(Editor’s note: A number of people have commented that the Art Buchwald column “Response List for Nixon Backers” would, with a few changes, work well today as well. We decided to give it a try.

And so, with apologies to Art Buchwald’s memory, herewith a minor rewrite of his suggested responses to be used by supporters of the President. For reference, we have included the original as well.)

These are difficult times for people who are defending the Trump administration. No matter where they go they are attacked by pseudo-liberals, Clinton lovers, nascent constitutionalists, and paranoid Louise Mensch believers.

As a public service, I am sharing instant responses for loyal Trumpites when they are attacked at a party. Please cut it out and carry it in your pocket.

  1. Everyone does it.
  2. What about her emails?
  3. A president can’t keep track of everything his staff does.
  4. The press is blowing the whole thing up.
  5. Whatever Trump did was for national security.
  6. The Democrats are sore because they lost the election.
  7. Are you going to believe a rat like James Comey or the President of the United States?
  8. Wait till all the facts come out.
  9. What about her emails?
  10. If you impeach Trump, you get Pence.
  11. The only thing wrong with TrumpRussia is they got caught.
  12. What about Edward Snowden stealing the NSA papers?
  13. It happens in Europe all the time.
  14. People would be against Trump no matter what he did.
  15. I’d rather have a crook in the White House than a fool.
  16. Obama used to read FBI reports every night.
  17. What’s the big deal about finding out what your opposition is up to?
  18. The President was too busy running the country to know what was going on.
  19. What about her emails?
  20. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.
  21. Clinton would have lost anyway.
  22. Maybe the Trump campaign went a little too far, but they were just a bunch of eager kids.
  23. I’m not for breaking the law, but sometimes you have to do it to save the country.
  24. Trump made a mistake. He’s only human.
  25. Do you realize what this Russia thing is doing to the dollar abroad?
  26. What about Bill Clinton and the Lewinsky thing?
  27. Jimmy Carter did a lot worse things.
  28. I’m sick and tired of hearing about Russia and so is everybody else.
  29. This thing should be tried in the courts and not on television.
  30. When Trump gives his explanation of what happened there are going to be a lot of people in this country with egg on their faces.
  31. My country right or wrong.
  32. What about her emails?
  33. I think the people who make all this fuss about Russia should be shot.
  34. If the Democrats had the money they would have done the same thing.
  35. I never trusted Bannon and Kushner to start with.
  36. If you say one more word about Russia I’ll punch you in the nose.
  37. (If the person is bigger than you:) If you say one more word about Russia I’m leaving this house.
  38. (If it’s your own house and the person’s bigger than you:) What about her emails?

 


 

The Original Art Buchwald Column: “Response List For Nixon Backers”

These are difficult times for people who are defending the Nixon administration. No matter where they go they are attracted by pseudo-liberals, McGovern lovers, heterosexual constitutionalists, and paranoid John Dean believers.

As a public service, I am printing instant responses for loyal Nixonites when they are attacked at a party. Please cut it out and carry it in your pocket.

  1. Everyone does it.
  2. What about Chappaquiddick?
  3. A president can’t keep track of everything his staff does.
  4. The press is blowing the whole thing up.
  5. Whatever Nixon did was for national security
  6. The Democrats are sore because they lost the election.
  7. Are you going to believe a rat like John Dean or the President of the United States?
  8. Wait till all the facts come out.
  9. What about Chappaquiddick?
  10. If you impeach Nixon, you get Agnew.
  11. The only thing wrong with Watergate is they got caught.
  12. What about Daniel Ellsberg stealing the Pentagon papers?
  13. It happens in Europe all the time.
  14. People would be against Nixon no matter what he did.
  15. I’d rather have a crook in the White House than a fool.
  16. LBJ used to read FBI reports every night.
  17. What’s the big deal about finding out what your opposition is up to?
  18. The President was too busy running the country to know what was going on.
  19. What about Chappaquiddick?
  20. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.
  21. McGovern would have lost anyway.
  22. Maybe the Committee to Reelect the President went a little too far, but they were just a bunch of eager kids.
  23. I’m not for breaking the law, but sometimes you have to do it to save the country.
  24. Nixon made a mistake. He’s only human.
  25. Do you realize what Watergate is doing to the dollar abroad?
  26. What about Harry Truman and the deep freeze scandal?
  27. Franklin D. Roosevelt did a lot worse things.
  28. I’m sick and tired of hearing about Watergate and so is everybody else.
  29. This thing should be tried in the courts and not on television.
  30. When Nixon gives his explanation of what happened there are going to be a lot of people in this country with egg on their faces.
  31. My country right or wrong.
  32. What about Chappaquiddick?
  33. I think the people who make all this fuss about Watergate should be shot.
  34. If the Democrats had the money they would have done the same thing.
  35. I never trusted Haldeman and Ehrlichman to start with.
  36. If you say one more word about Watergate I’ll punch you in the nose.
  37. If the person is bigger than you: “If you say one more word about Watergate I’m leaving this house.”
  38. If it’s your own house and the person’s bigger than you: “What about Chappaquiddick?”

–30–

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Bruce Maples
Bruce Maples has been involved in politics and activism since 2004, when he became active in the Kerry Kentucky movement. He has been President, Vice-President, and Treasurer of the Metro Democratic Club, and has served on the Democratic Party Executive Committee in Louisville. He began blogging in 2004, and currently operates two personal blogs (BruceMaples.com and brucewriter.com). He founded Forward Kentucky in the wake of the state elections in 2015, and expanded it in the summer of 2016. He has lived in Louisville since 1992 with his wife and two sons.