My 2021 Anti-Predictions

Bruce Maples (bruceinlouisville@gmail.com)
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When I was a teenager, a columnist syndicated to the late, great Miami News wrote a column at the beginning of 1976. He read all the well-known astrologers and soothsayers of the day, which began each year with a collection of ridiculous predictions. So this columnist wrote a sort of anti-prediction column in which he predicted that none of the predictions would come true. The only one he got wrong was that Jimmy Carter actually became president, which the columnist noted in the December 1976 follow-up.

I tip my hat to this columnist whose name I cannot remember, as I’m about to do the exact same thing. Like the unknown columnist, I am not going out on a limb because all of these predictions you hear from the right-wing pundits and their yowling Trump cult are just as stupid as many of the predictions from Jean Dixon, Sylvia Browne, or Francis Fukuyama. But to be fair, I also have a few centrist columnists who are much more optimistic than they should be.

 I predict that Judge Jeanine Pirro’s prediction that she will uncover election fraud will come to naught. She was taken off the air for a week right after her unhinged rant, although Fox News claims that was just coincidence. Sure, whatever. Earlier, Pirro predicted that “something’s going to happen” to President-Elect Joe Biden before Election Day. So 0-for-2 here.

 I predict that The Daily Caller is wracking up another failure in predicting that the gun industry is going to go bankrupt. They also predicted that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton would be prosecuted and convicted. So another great record there.

 I predict that Ben Shapiro’s prediction that “Biden’s ‘Return to Normalcy’ Is Going to Be Terrible”  (the headline) will prove to be as humiliating as Shapiro’s self-own while taking on Cardi B.  (Not for the kids, BTW.)

 I predict that Michelle Malkin’s prediction that President Biden and Big Tech will “wipe us [conservatives] all completely off the internet” will come to naught. Although I’m sure she’ll be shamelessly complaining about this on Twitter for the entire of 2021. If you don’t know Malkin, she got fired for being too racist and anti-Semitic for Young Americans for Freedom, a group founded by William F. Buckley but shifted far enough right to land on Southern Poverty Law Center’s list of hate groups. (Both former Attorney General Jeff Sessions and Trump Administration resident bigot Stephen Miller are alumni, just to give you a hint of what Young Americans for Freedom is all about.) You’ll be shocked to discover that Malkin is a No. 1 fan of white supremacists. She’d have to be to be too bigoted for Young Americans for Freedom.

 I predict that Mark Levin’s prediction that President Biden will shut down private insurance and private schools is just ridiculous. But what do you expect from the man who thinks Senator Rand Paul is a “left-liberal”? Not great powers of perception.

 I predict that, even if the disgraced Trump lends his name to a rival network (you don’t think the Laziest Little President would put in the work to really start his own, do you?), Fox News will do just fine, despite Trump’s whiny prediction.

 I also predict that The Washington Post’s Kara Swisher will be proved wrong in the following:

Soon after our forever troller in chief leaves office on Jan. 20, his account will be suspended by Twitter temporarily, and then, since he cannot stop breaking rules, he’ll get tossed off, just like his hideous pal, Alex Jones.

I wish. Trump, idiot that he is, is obsessed with repealing Section 230, the federal clause that protects social media from libel laws. Ironically, if he gets his wish, the first thing Twitter will do is to ban Trump to protect themselves from lawsuits. But unless Section 230 is repealed, Trump will continue to whine and lie until death or disability.

 I predict that poor, naïve Joe Biden’s prediction that Republicans would completely change — an “epiphany” — once Trump’s gone will, uhm, not happen. Anyone who lived through the eight years of the Obama presidency would know better. (Wish Biden had been there. Oh, wait! He was!)

 Lastly, I predict that, as many times as Trump is proven wrong, as many times as promises and predictions don’t pan out, as many times as reality peeks through the cracks in the façade, the Trump Train will remain as gullible as ever … even as the cars go over the cliff.

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