I am a Democrat who recently ran in the Anderson County Republican primary for county magistrate. Why? Because this is Trump country now.
I lost my election, and I lost big, but that is not the story. The story is what Republican voters wanted to talk about. Not gas prices. Not “voting irregularities” or the “stolen” election. Not caravans at the southern border. Not abortion. Not covid or Dr. Fauci. Not racism or LGBTQ books in school libraries. And certainly not the mundane, budget-related duties of the office I was running for.
Voters wanted to talk about school prayer and guns.
Wouldn’t the power of prayer in school keep evil (like school shooters) at bay? And why couldn’t I admit that kids would be safer if we simply “hardened” our schools by adding more school resource officers and arming teachers? It was simple, as evidenced by Gov. Mike Dewine of Ohio, our neighbor to the north, who would soon sign a bill allowing teachers to carry guns after only 24 hours of training.
Where might all of this lead? To the following?
Step 1: Admit we are powerless without more guns. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be the AR-15. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done by making Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell sponsor a federal bill to harden all American schools by arming every teacher and administrator. Amen!
Step 2: The power of guns is greater than ourselves and can restore us to sanity. Imagine the peace of mind parents will enjoy knowing teachers are packing. A gift from God! Blessed art those who become the most skilled marksmen, for theirs will be the kingdom of heaven.
Step 3: We have made a decision to turn our lives over to guns, and thus will follow each morning’s Pledge of Allegiance with the doxology: Praise guns from whom all blessings flow, praise guns all creatures here below, praise guns above ye heavenly host, praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Ahhhhhhhhh-men.
Step 4: Our fearless, moral inventory of ourselves has pointed us to the basic knowledge that guns don’t kill people and our God-given Second Amendment rights tell us so, it’s right there in the Bible! For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish by being a sitting duck in a classroom, but have everlasting life.
Step 5: Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being that more guns are the answer to school safety. And fewer doors. Don’t forget the doors.
Step 6: Prayer and guns alone cannot help us remove the defects of our character, so we need the help of our elected officials. Bless us, O Lord, and these thy gifts, which we are about to receive from GOP governors and members of congress who are owned by the gun lobby and the NRA.
Step 7: Let us humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings. Dear Lord our God, we have grown weary of woke teachers making white kids feel bad. We pray to eliminate American history from all curriculum and replace it with a firearms training program that will make us the envy of the free world. This is the way, the truth, and the light. This is the word of the Lord, thanks be to God.
Step 8: Make a list of all the teachers we have armed, and be willing to make amends to those we have not yet armed because of woke Democrats. Dear Father, we seek Your protection from the wickedness of those who want to take our guns and force us to go to Disney World. May your perpetual light shine upon us.
Step 9: Make direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure others because they are weak and refuse to arm teachers. As it was in the beginning, it is now, and ever shall be, locked and loaded, Amen.
Step 10: Continue to take personal inventory of the weapons in our classrooms and promptly admit when we are falling short on supply and need money. We believe in the God of guns, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth. We believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, whom we all know would have survived under Pontius Pilate if only he had been carrying an AR-15. Duh!
Step 11: Seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understand Him, praying for knowledge of His will for us and the power of all school employees to carry guns in their classrooms and on school buses.
Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we will try to carry this message to all teachers willing to carry guns, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Let peace begin with me, let this be the moment now. With every step I take, let this be my solemn vow. To take each weapon and use each weapon, in peace, eternally. Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin with arming teachers.
Amen.
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