At the beginning of 2021, I took a page from a columnist who scanned the predictions made by astrologers, soothsayers, and the like, and wrote a column predicting that none of these predictions would come true. Instead of turning to the mystics, however, I made my anti-predictions about the brayings of right-wing pundits.
This year, I want to repeat that experiment; however, in addition to politicians and columnists, I’ve decided to also include the “prophets” who have embraced Donald Trump and his Big Lie. It’s not really heavy lifting: Most of these so-called predictions for 2024 are as ridiculous — if not more — than these joke predictions made by political cartoonist Edith Pritchett.
Let’s begin with the most obvious failed prediction: that of thrice-fired Tucker Carlson, the man who predicted a “red wave” in 2022 and, soon after nearly all the candidates he championed lost, he said he was getting out of the prediction game. Well, Carlson’s word is worth nothing, so now he’s predicting that the United States and Russia will go to war in 2024. The champion of testicle tanning opines that President Joe Biden will initiate this war to remain in office — a war that Carlson predicts the United States will lose. How a “hot war” would work to re-elect Biden, Carlson never explains. Here’s what he went on to say on The Adam Carolla Show in August:
What are they gonna do? They’re gonna go to war with Russia. There will be a hot war between the United States and Russia in the next year. ... I don’t think we’ll win it. As a political matter, they need to assume war footing. Would bet my house on it: We are going to war with Russia.
Five points on this matter:
- Carlson is being ridiculous with this prediction. Sadly, since he’s a right-winger, being a false prophet’s never going to hurt his credibility with Cult 45. Already, Russian dictator Vladimir Putin is signaling that he’d like to declare victory and get out. You know, like in Vietnam. So it’s no stroke of genius to predict that Carlson’s prediction will fail.
- Good thing Carlson didn’t actually bet his house! Although as a trust-fund nepo baby, it wouldn’t affect him as it would us.
- No, I didn’t realize Adam Carolla even had a podcast, either.
- The United States spends more on its military than Russia, China, India, Saudia Arabia, the United Kingdom, Germany, France, South Korea, Japan, and Ukraine — combined. Those 10 countries are the next-biggest spenders after the United States. I’m pretty sure we could handle Russia soldiers in a way that we can’t with determined guerillas.
- Way to support the land of your birth, Comrade Carlson! Like the way you’re just another Putin puppet. Why does Tucker Carlson hate America?
Also, Carlson steadfastly predicts that 2024 “is not going to be a race between Joe Biden and Donald Trump. I would bet my beloved fishing camp in Maine that that is not going to happen — that’s not going to happen.” My anti-prediction is that Carlson’s 100% wrong. Again.
Next we’ll go to the Father of Lies: Donald J. Trump. He’s predicting that a Biden re-election will usher in not a recession — but an economic collapse on par with the 1929 crash that launched the Great Depression. The easiest anti-prediction ever: not going to happen.
Judge Jeanine Pirro has a pretty lousy track record when it comes to her predictions, so I’m not going out on a limb here, either. Previously, she predicted she would uncover election fraud, she predicted that “something is going to happen [to Joe Biden] before the election, and he’s not even going to be on the ticket,” and she predicted that repairing Interstate 95 in Pennsylvania “would take forever.” Pirro even said: “I would bet my house that there’s one person who’s going to hang on this jury,” causing a mistrial in the case of accused murderer Alex Murdaugh. Needless to say, Pirro didn’t uncover any election fraud, Biden was just fine on Election Day, I-95 was repaired in record time, and Murdaugh was duly convicted and sentenced to 27 years. And I’m glad no one took Pirro up on her bet, or she’d be living on the streets. And, also, why are all these multi-millionaire right-wingers always betting their houses? Makes them seem very Marie Antoinette to me, especially as they’re always griping about “elites.”
Pirro’s latest is claiming that Biden will ban gasoline-powered cars. I predict that this prediction will be as successful as all of Pirro’s other predictions.
I predict that self-styled prophet and televangelist Hank Kunneman’s prediction that the upcoming Georgia election-interference trial will instead reveal that Donald Trump was right about fraud in the 2020 election will never happen. If all this evidence is out there, how come it’s never been entered as evidence in any trial? It’s been three years, and this shadowy evidence remains as elusive as Bigfoot. Kunneman is among the many so-called prophets who predicted Trump would win in 2020, of course.
General Mike Minihan predicts that the United States will be at war with China by 2025. Of course, I won’t know if he’s right until next December; even so, I think I can safely predict that Minihan is wrong.
Yet another self-styled prophet, Julie Green, has a message from God: Russian dictator Vladimir Putin will this year expose former President Barack Obama and President Joe Biden’s interference in the 2020 election. Green hints that Obama and Biden struck a deal with the Kremlin over this, but will be reneging. So somehow the man who said he’d prefer Trump in the White House really wanted Biden? Also, this explosive revelation will drain the swamp — somehow — says Green. The Bible prescribes stoning for false prophets. Just sayin.’
Ben Shapiro, the genius who predicted that the Barbie movie would flop, predicts that Elsa will come out as a lesbian in a future Frozen sequel, leading to “the end of Disney as a company. Predict it. You can write it down.” No thanks, I’m pretty sure this isn’t worth writing any of it down.
Another profiteer — er, I mean prophet — Robin Bullock has been predicting the end of the Biden presidency repeatedly for years. Bullock predicted that Trump would win re-election handily. He further predicted that a power arrived on earth on March 15, 2021, that would remove Biden. (The Ides of March just didn’t cooperate that year.) Bullock predicts that Trump will serve three terms in the White House. Really.
California Pentecostal pastor Johnny Enlow was also among the fanatics predicting Trump’s return in 2021. Unabashed, Enlow now predicts: “There’s not going to be just Trump coming back. There’s going to be at least two more Trumps that will be in office in some way.” Maybe the heavenly message was garbled, and the Lord Almighty actually said “There’s going to be at least two more Trumps that will be in prison in some way”? Now, that makes sense!
And we close with a real doozie, the completely un-self-aware Candace Owens, Trump toady, stalwart defender of White supremacists and antisemites, and a staple (so far) at The Daily Caller (founded by none other than Tucker Carlson). Here’s what she had to say at the start of 2023: “So, predictions! Turns out that I’m actually really good at making them. I’m not saying that I’m Nostradamus, but I’m not saying I’m not Nostradamus, either.” At the time, Owens predicted the rise of a federal police force, the downfall of Volodymyr Zelensky (she had previously predicted Zelensky’s being exposed within two weeks on March 20, 2022), the legalizing of assisted suicide nationwide, the normalization of pedophilia, and that Big Pharma, greedy for more vaccine profits, would step in to bring about a civil war against anti-vaxxers.
Do you remember those momentous occurrences? Me, neither. Pride sure goeth before a fall.
Owens — without mentioning her many fails, naturally — told Tucker Carlson on his Twitter show, “I have taken myself out of political prognostications entirely.” So, after all, even the most stubborn can be taught. A soupçon of humility. There’s hope in that.
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| Tip Jars |
