Some political humor from DemDaily Skip to content

Some political humor from DemDaily

A collection of one-liners, bon mots, and comebacks on politics and politicians, from our favorite late-night hosts.

Photo by Dan Cook / Unsplash

The DemDaily newsletter is put out by the folks at DemList. You can sign up for DemList here, and support it here. The following is their monthly collection of late-night humor about politics.

On Donald Trump’s appeal to the Supreme Court on his claim of presidential immunity from criminal charges

“His lawyers told the court, ‘Denial of criminal immunity would incapacitate every future president with de facto blackmail and extortion while in office and condemn him to years of post-office trauma at the hands of political opponents.’ Which sounds bad, right? And yet somehow, we’ve had 44 presidents before him – that never happened to any of them except for this one guy.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A president could make some seriously crazy stuff happen. If you’re dumb and arrogant, you commit the crimes yourself on television, then you have a problem. Then you have to beg the Supreme Court for something preposterous, like immunity. But if Donald Trump wants immunity, he should drink bleach like he told us to do when we wanted immunity.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Turns out the guy who bragged to Billy Bush he can do whatever he wants thinks he should be allowed to do whatever he wants.” – Jimmy Kimmel

On Trump’s appearance before a Florida judge who rejected his motion to dismiss charges of mishandling classified documents

“The fun thing about these hearings is you don’t know if Trump is going to show up. He doesn’t have to come, but he sometimes – it’s like when you go on a boat, sometimes you see a whale, sometimes you don’t.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Even when he’s not required to be there, just scowling at the defense table, storming out of the courtroom, and holding impromptu press conferences while he’s penned in by barricades like a balloon before the start of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.” – Seth Meyers

“This is a historic case. Not only is it the first time a former president has been charged with illegally removing and withholding classified documents; it’s also the first time a former president used classified documents to decorate his bathroom.” – Jimmy Kimmel

”What’s still a mystery is why a bunch of top secret documents were taken by a president who, by all accounts, does not read.” – Jimmy Kimmel

On Trump hiring former campaign adviser Paul Manafort, convicted of tax and bank fraud (and who was pardoned by Trump in 2020)

Trump’s team was hoping that “hiring someone who has been convicted of fraud will make Trump seem less fraudy by comparison.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I think it’s actually a good idea. Trump needs an adviser like Paul Manafort to tell him not to hire guys like Paul Manafort.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Trump is bringing back all the worst best people.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump reportedly wants Manafort to help oversee the Republican National Convention, which I’m surprised he can do because, you know, when Manafort was being sentenced, he claimed he had too many medical problems to go to prison. But I guess he magically healed up. And who better to run your election campaign than a man who isn’t allowed to vote in that election?” – Jimmy Kimmel

On RFK Jr. considering Aaron Rodgers and Jesse Ventura as potential picks for vice president

"Yep, Kennedy confirmed that Rodgers and Ventura are at the top of his list, which really makes you wonder who’s at the bottom.” – Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, Aaron Rodgers could be RFK Jr.’s running mate. ‘This would be the greatest president and vice president pairing of all time,’ is what I’m assuming the measles virus is saying.” – Michael Kosta

“Aaron Rodgers is still playing football. He’s still playing for the Jets – how many losing teams can he be a part of at once?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A football player in the White House feels like progress, though. We don’t need any more aging old men with brain problems. We need a strong, young man with brain problems.” – Michael Kosta

On Biden’s State of the Union

“It was kind of a tense night, because it feels like this might be the last time we get a State of the Union. Depending on what happens in November, next year might just be a Kid Rock concert and an immigrant catapult.” – Stephen Colbert

“Now, coming into tonight’s speech, critics said Biden’s State of the Union challenge was to dispel ‘old-man vibes.’ Really? In Congress? Kinda hard to fight off the old-man vibe when you’re speaking to a room that looks like an open casket convention.” – Stephen Colbert

“On the Democratic side, they wore white. On the Republican side, they were white.” – Stephen Colbert

“Biden looked out at the members of Congress and said, ‘Finally, a place where I seem pretty young.’” – Jimmy Fallon

“Tonight, the room was filled with over 500 members of Congress, but Senator Mitch McConnell wasn’t there. Well, he attended, but he wasn’t there.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ahead of the president’s arrival there, members of the Supreme Court filed in. Interestingly, Justice Clarence Thomas did not attend. It’s nice to know he’s willing to recuse himself from something.” – Stephen Colbert

On the Supreme Court’s unanimously ruling Trump can appear on all 2024 election ballots

Stephen Colbert said the justices were “once again shoving their gavels up the election.”

“Yes, the Supreme Court knows you can’t just let states decide who goes on their ballots. States are too busy deciding that life begins in the freezer section, next to the pearl onions.” – Stephen Colbert

“That’s right, the Supreme Court ruled that states cannot keep Trump off their ballots, which means that the Supreme Court remains the only place where Trump can win the popular vote.” – Seth Meyers

“The Supreme Court unanimously ruled that Colorado is not allowed to remove Trump from the 2024 ballot. Then out of habit, Trump immediately appealed the decision. He’s like, ‘This is a witch – oh, wait a minute, OK.’” – Jimmy Fallon

“Trump celebrated the ruling, calling it a big win for America. That’s also what he said when McDonald’s brought back the McRib.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Let that be a lesson to all you out there who might be thinking about subverting the Constitution in a presidential election. You go, boy!” – Jon Stewart

On Nikki Haley dropping out of the presidential election

“So it’s now officially Trump and Biden. They crushed the primaries like it was an audition for a Life Alert commercial.” – Ronny Chieng

“Yeah, after the results came in, Trump threw a big victory party with confetti made from shredded classified documents.” – Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, Nikki Haley is ending her presidential campaign. But, as an olive branch, Melania has offered her first lady.” – Seth Meyers

“No! Don’t quit now, Nikki! You were only 80,000 delegates behind! ... If you drop out, who will little girls without any principles, convictions, or charisma look up to?” – Ronny Chieng

“Super Tuesday – where 16 states and one territory got together and held an intervention for Nikki Haley.” – Seth Meyers

“But the president is not out there fighting alone. Oh, no. He is backed by Joe Biden’s superfans, many of them older, and most of them women. That’s right. Taylor’s got the Swifties, Beyoncé’s got the Bey-hive, but Joe’s got the early bird special.” – Stephen Colbert

On March Madness

“My hope is that we get all the madness out in March, so we don’t have any left for November.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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