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Fickle Republican Jesus

Apparently Republican Jesus can’t make up his mind about Trump and Biden. And the signs related to each are confusing too. Ivonne Rovira lays it out for us.

3 min read

I’m amazed at how fickle Republican Jesus is.

Elevating a broke, thrice-married, profane conman to the presidency was God’s will. But, He changed his mind after one term and sent him into what should have been ignominy in Mar-a-Lago. However, it’s crickets on how God wanted two terms for Barack Hussein Obama (who says God’s not ecumenical?) and replaced Trump with President Joe Biden.

He’s an omniscient and omnipotent God, right? So, it’s obvious that Trump’s election is like the flood: a move God took in anger and promptly repented and promised to never repeat. So, if you’ve got a “Trump 2024” bumper sticker or flag, know you’re going against God’s will. Just sayin’.

Republican Jesus is fickle on other ways, too. Remember when Jesus talked about living the good Christian life in Matthew 25:31–40?

When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

Then the King will say to those on his right, “Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink, “I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.”

Then the righteous will answer him, “Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?”

The King will reply, “I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”

But that’s sooooo 2,000 years ago!

To be a true Evangelical Christian today, you need to ignore all that nonsense about the poor and sick and widows and orphans and prisoners. Geez! A real Christian spends his time speculating about people’s sex lives, accepting ridiculous conspiracy theories without checking them out in the least, denigrating the compassionate, justifying actual acts of terrorism, and worshipping a Golden Calf. (I couldn’t have made up the last one; if I had seen it on Saturday Night Live, I’d have said, Nope – even they’re not this un-self-aware. But, as usual, I’d be wrong.)

Lastly, it’s funny what conditions should have been signs that America had strayed from God’s path. Worst unemployment rate since the Great Depression? The highest level of domestic terrorism in a quarter century? The largest deficit in U.S. history, increased by $1 trillion, a slap in the face to all those loud deficit hawks? A big rise in deaths of despair? Ranking 33rd out of 36 industrialized countries in infant and maternal mortality rates? A literal right-out-of-Exodus worldwide plague? Nope, none of these counted – not if the Golden Calf is president.

But high gas prices and rising inflation rates? Sure sign of the Devil. Although fickle Jesus has also granted the Antichrist the lowest unemployment rate since 1969, a 2022 deficit decrease of $1.5 trillion, an increase in Americans with health care, and Jubilee for college students. Dang! God can’t seem to make up His mind as to whether to curse or bless America over Joe Biden. I guess, unlike how He viewed the last guy, God sees Biden as a glass half full.

It’s popular to taunt Trump supporters as people who don’t read books; however, my issue with them is that they don’t seem to read the Bible, either.


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Ivonne Rovira

Ivonne is the research director for Save Our Schools Kentucky. She previously worked for The Miami Herald, the Miami News, and The Associated Press. (Read the rest on the Contributors page.)